Wake Up Call
by MissDevon
Summary: Frustrated and afraid, Donna knocks on Josh's door looking for answers, only Josh has some questions of his own. Does their confrontation solve problems or create more?


Author: MissDevon

Pairing: Josh/Donna

Category: Angst/Romance slightly AU

Spoilers: anything up to King Corn, but nothing major

**Wake Up Call**

She watched through the peephole as he opened the door to his room across the hall, her heart dropping slightly because he didn't need her. Hand on the wood of the inside of her door, she wished she knew what to do about the ache in her heart. What to do about the questions rising up about her self-worth. The ones that had started when she was stuck with CJ during the lockdown and were made more prominent by the events in Gaza.

Swallowing the bitter taste that was becoming all too familiar, she pushed away from the door and moved back into the recesses of her darkened room, shaking with unease.

With unsettled fear.

The truth was, it didn't matter if her eyes were open or closed, she could see it all again.

Feel it.

And when she did, she was force to wonder: why her?

Why not one of them?

And why couldn't he have seen the real reason that she left?

Why didn't he _know?_

"This is ridiculous!" she muttered as she pushed herself to her feet, intent on going into the bathroom to shower, only to find herself in the hall, outside of his room. Knocking and waiting.

But no answer seemed to be forthcoming. So, she did what came naturally and turned away again, only to curse when she realized that she didn't have her key.

"Donna? What's wrong?" Josh asked from the now opened doorway. His eyes held concern. Turning she took him in. Hair mused. Shirt untucked and partially undone, feet bare, and belt unbuttoned.

Fighting back tears of frustration she looked up at him: "I locked myself out."

Josh stared at her for a moment, taking in her haphazard hair, the shorts and t-shirt, and her bare feet. Even more he took in the expression in her eyes and saw pass her words. Inhaling, he stepped back and to the side indicating that she should come in. "I'm usually the one who does that," he said in a tight, yet teasing, voice, as he followed her in, allowing the door to close behind him, watching her jerky motions with concern. "Donna?"

"I didn't just mean," she started as she turned towards him and stopped, afraid of revealing too much.

"Neither did I," he admitted as he crossed to her. "You left because I would've figured it out, didn't you?"

She shook her head at him as she raised her hands and rubbed her temples. "I shouldn't have. . ." she muttered, not sure exactly what she was referring to as she moved to pass him.

"Don't do this, Donna. Come on. Let me help you for once," he entreated as he extended his hand towards her, but unable to allow himself to actually touch her.

"Why?" she wondered, refusing to look at him.

"I don't know. Maybe because I know the way out?"

"What?"

"A story Leo told me," he answer before he started to repeat it, moving closer to her with each word he said: "This guy's walking down a street, when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep. He can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up "Hey you! Can you help me out?" The doctor writes him a prescription, throws it down the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole! Our guy says "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here!" and the friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."1 

"It's not that simple," she sighed, still refusing to face him.

"Nothing ever is, is it?" he shot back.

Sighing, she finally turned: "You want to make it simpler for me? Then answer this. Why?"

"Why what?'

"Why were you there?" she asked, annoyed that she had to verbalize something he damned well should've known.

"You know why," he answered her, just as annoyed that she had to ask.

"I'm not so sure I do. I don't seem to know a whole hell of a lot any more, Josh," she admitted tiredly. Shaking his head, he looked away from her, not knowing what to say to make her understand. "Well, I guess that saids it all, doesn't it?" she snapped. "I shouldn't have bothered you," she added formally as she turned and went to the door.

Staring after her, Josh tried to find the words, but they eluded him until he saw her hand on the door handle. Until she turned it and started to pull it open and he knew that if he didn't say something he'd lose her for good. And then, he did the only thing he could. He allowed the words to just pour out without censure: "I didn't stop for a beer. I don't know about red lights because I wasn't paying attention to the street lights. All I knew was I had to make that flight. Once on the plane the only thing that I could do was read over your e-mails. I bullied people to get to you. _And, I was there when you woke up. _I dropped everything to be there, Donna."

Shoulders slumping, she allowed her hand to go lax on the handle and her body weight to push the door shut as she turned to face him, a mixture of disbelief and anger flashing in her eyes. "CJ told me that Leo ordered you to come."

"CJ needs to stop being a Yenta and keep her damn mouth shut about our relationship!" he groused as he nervously ran a hand through his hair.

"What relationship, Josh? You've had them with Mandy and Amy. There was something between you and Joey, and I might be in a different office, but I sure as hell know that Harper's been around an awful lot!"

"Ok, what about all your gomers? Calley? Reese? Oh, and let's not forget Collin!"

"You can't compare. . ."

"Can't I!"

"I was never serious about. . ." she sighed shaking her head.

"You risked your career for Reese!"

"And I didn't for you? Why was it that Cliff could read between the lines and not you?"

"Because I wasn't ready to!" he yelled back at her. "Damnit, Donna! You know how it would've looked," he added softening his voice, watching her look away. "Maybe I could've settled for Amy, but. . . in the end I couldn't do that to any of us," he admitted grudgingly.

"Why?"

"I shouldn't have to tell you of all people why," he replied sadly.

"You never tell me anything of importance," she accused as she looked up at the ceiling, trying to keep her frustration from over taking her.

Shaking his head he looked down at his feet, and inhaling, back at her. "Fine. Then let me pose a question to you. CJ told you that Leo ordered me to leave, why do you think he did that?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do. But you want me to tell you things. So fine. I will! I was useless. Toby was talking to Andy and all I could do was ask about you. When I realized. . .when. . . I think from the moment it flashed across the screen I knew. . . when they told me. . . you can't know what that felt like."

"Somehow I think I can," she answered stiffly as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Yeah. I suppose you can," he sighed as he turned and walked back to his bed. Sinking onto its edge he started to talk again: "I yelled in the Oval again," he admitted on a low hollow laugh. "They all knew I was useless. Leo even knew why," he finished looking at her across the room, locking eyes with her as he continued: "Why can't you see it? Why don't you know the reason, Donnatella?"

"What are we doing?" she asked uneasily as she dropped her arms and pushed away from the door.

"I don't know," he admitted. "Just answer another question for me: do you think that what ever CJ has been filling your head with is true?"

"I don't know which end is up anymore," she admitted softly.

"What do you know?"

"I thought I just had to answer one more question," Donna tried to deflect.

"Don't ok? Let's stop playing this game. Here and now. Just answer."

"Fine. You want an answer? The truth? This- all of this- is killing a part of me," she shot back as she gestured to the room around her.

"And by all of this, do you mean me?"

"Maybe. I don't know," she shrugged, staring at her nails as she continued, forcing herself to make it appear as she was looking at him, even as she was looking at a spot just pass his shoulder as she continued: "Maybe I'm just doing it to myself."

Swallowing, Josh rose and crossed to her: "You once said I'd find you valuable. Maybe now you need to start seeing yourself that way."

"And then what?" she asked as she looked eyes with him, allowing him to see her panic. "What _are_ we _doing_? Josh, is it. . . are we. . .is the feasibility any more realistic with us on opposing teams?"

"Teams can be combined, Donna," he answered softly.

"The chances of that. . ." she sighed as she looked away.

Gently, he tipped her face up towards his as he asked yet another question of her: "how many more chances are we going to get? Can we afford not to try? To push it to the side again and ignore this?"

"But your career. . ."

"Believe it or not, Donna, it was never my career that worried me."

"You want to be in Leo's office someday," she argued.

"And will probably never get there. Santos as much as told me I wasn't made for it. At least not in this administration," he shrugged. "And maybe he's right. Or maybe that's not the office I'm meant for at all. I don't know. I just know that I don't want to end your career before it fully begins. To hold you back anymore than I already have."

Donna smiled sadly at that: "how could you ruin it? You're the one who gave me a chance to do something no one else would have. You believed in me when no one else did."

Josh couldn't help but shake his head at the sentiment. "You never did the same in return?"

"You were already someone."

"So where you."

"If only I were," she exhaled.

"Saids the woman who once stopped a filler buster!" he reminded. "You know, I wouldn't have lasted in the admin as long as I did if you weren't by my side. Roslyn would've destroyed me."

"Leo was close to figuring it out."

"OK then, Carrick. You were the only one who believed in me then. You even sent Pierce after me."

Inhaling Donna looked him directly in the eye. "Are you sure this isn't out of guilt or gratitude?" she challenged.

"Are you?"

"I can't help thinking about what CJ said. What if she's right? What if this thing between us isn't the real thing?"

Shaking his head, Josh leaned into her. "One way to find out," he whispered as he touched his lips to hers.

A few moments later, he stepped back to watch as her eyes flittered shut and she licked her lips. "What are we doing?" she asked again, more unsure than ever.

"Something we should've done a long time ago," he answered firmly.

"I can't stay the night," she told him firmly.

"I know," he replied as he kissed her again.

Ending the kiss, she looked at him, a hand against his scarred chest as she shook her head as if to clear it. "Are we crazy?"

"Maybe we should call and ask Stanley," he suggested as he pushed a piece of hair behind her ear.

"We're going to have to be careful."

"We will be," he assured as he backed them towards the bed.

"That's not what I meant!" she chided as he kissed her neck and pushed she pushed gently against his chest so he was forced to raise his head and look at her.

"I know," he answered. "We'll work it all out. And in Nov. I'll take you to Hawaii."

"Don't make promises you can't keep. If either of our guys wins. . ."

"Then as soon as we get the time, we make the time to go."

"It's going to be hard."

"Harder than not trying? We can make it, Donna. I know we can."

"I think so too."

"That's a start, right?"

"I guess," she answered. "When's your wake up call?"

"5:45. Yours?"

"5 o'clock?"

"That doesn't leave us much time, does it?" he asked kissing her forehead.

"It leaves us enough for a start."

"And what about getting into your room?"

She shrugged: "I'll go to the front desk, say the door closed when I was picking up a drop off. Stop wasting time."

"I think I can agree to that. In fact, I believe I already have. . ."

1: excerpt The West Wing Season two: Noel


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